mcgees.org

(Note added 14 April 2003: Today I received a fairly brusque form letter from Roy Rivenburg of Off-Kilter claiming credit for this article and requesting attribution.  So I checked out the column he cites, and, yes, it looks like someone modified his article “Would the DMV
Make Him Wait Too?” for this email forward.  It’s not an exact match: whoever originated the email forward reworded it, dropped some of Rivenburg’s less clever bits, and added some of his or her own clever bits.

Regular readers of mcgees.org know that I am extremely diligent about proper attribution on this site, and to research the attribution for this article I did what I normally do: I selected a phrase from the article and ran a Google search on it.  Problem was, the article had been modified sufficiently that my test sentence no longer appeared in the article.  So, Roy, sorry about the confusion, and here you go: your article.  [If you are curious whether or not Rivenburg said, "Hey, cool additions to my article!": no, he didn't.])

I thought I would share a recent email forward I received, followed by my response.

From Mike Halloran, forwarded by Rustan Leino:

>  Most people assume WWJD stands for "What would
> Jesus do?"
>  But according to Scott Ostler of the San Francisco
> Chronicle, the
>  initials are shorthand for "What would Jesus
> drive?"
>
>  For centuries, theologians have squabbled over the
> type of
>  transportation the Lord would use: Public transit
> or private car?
>  Stick shift or automatic? A sport-utility vehicle
> roomy enough for all
>  12 apostles or an economy model?
>
>  One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an
> old Plymouth
>  because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out
> of the
>  Garden of Eden in a Fury". Clearly, this is a
> translation error:
>  The Lord surely would have owned a Sport Fury (the
> powerful
>  sport coupe) instead of the sedate family sedan.
>
>  But in Psalm 83, the Almighty favors Pontiac and
> Geo.
>  The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies
> with your
>  Tempest and terrify them with your Storm".
>
>  Perhaps Yaweh favors Dodge pickup trucks: Moses'
> followers
>  are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's
> horn sounds
>  a long blast".
>
>  Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as
> evidenced
>  by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of
> Moses' Triumph
>  is heard in the hills".
>
>  Joshua, likewise, favored Triumphs and had a sports
> car with a
>  hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard
> throughout the land".
>
>  Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but
> didn't like to
>  talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St.
> John's gospel
>  where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak
> of my own
>  Accord..."
>
>  And, following Jesus' lead, the Apostles car pooled
> in a Honda...
>  "The Apostles were in one Accord".

While this is an amusing article, it is clear that Mr.
Ostler is unacquainted with modern Biblical research,
as he leaves off several popular theories.

Among his theories, the theory that Yahweh favors
Dodges is probably the strongest.  Psalms refers to
the “Shadow of the Almighty” (91:1), and even compares
man’s life to a Dodge on the road, saying “his days
are like a passing Shadow.” (144:4)  [Skeptics note
that Yahweh would never favor such a dangerous model,
pointing out the reference to "the Shadow of death."
(23:4)]  Dodges show up elsewhere as well: there are
myriad references to “the Spirit of the LORD”.  The
chief priests in Jesus’ day used Dodges for law
enforcement, even seeking to “arrest Jesus by
Stealth.” (Matthew 26:4)

Calibrating the opinion of the Kings of Israel towards
Fords would be easier if we were told how great of a
sacrifice it was it for Saul that, when he was told of
David’s escape, “he gave up the Expedition.” (1 Samuel
23:13)  But regardless of Saul’s predilections, Ahab,
King of Israel, apparently favored Chevys.  At the
Battle of Ramoth-gilead, “A certain man drew his bow
at a Venture, and struck the king of Israel.”  (1
Kings 22:34)  Solomon, in his great wisdom, would
certainly not share this view.  He strongly admonished
the rich man, whose “riches were kept by the owner to
his hurt, and those riches were lost in a bad
Venture.”  (Ecclesiastes 5:13-14)

The princess of Psalm 45 severely muddles the
automobile-versus-public-transportation question when
“she is led to the king, with [...] her Escort, in her
train.”

The theft of one’s automobile can be personally
devastating, especially when it is an expensive luxury
car.  We find God lamenting this (and probably
dreaming up elaborate anti-theft devices, such as
plagues): “What could I gain from the strength of
their hands, men whose Vigor is gone?” (Job 30:2)

We can absolutely rule one option out: there are very
few auto accidents to be found in the Bible, but fully
two of them involve the same make of Geo.  Job blames
God for his accident, complaining that “thou tossest
me about in the roar [is this a misprint for 'rear'?]
of the Storm.” (Job 30:22)  The Apostles had the sense
not to directly blame God for their auto troubles,
noting simply that they “were violently Storm-tossed.”
(Acts 27:18)

Paul prophetically foresaw this very debate, and
wanted there to be absolutely no confusion regarding
his preference for Hondas: “When you read this you can
perceive my Insight.” (Ephesians 3:4)

But despite all this valuable debate, I feel there is
one, and only one, acceptable answer.  God obviously
prefers Nissans.  How else can one explain the
overriding obsession of Psalms, the longest book in
the Bible, with Stanzas?

Fri, 24 Aug 2001 18:44:42 -0500
Under humor
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